


I'm Not Him

by IShipAllTheSpaceGays



Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, It works either way, Panic Attacks, Platonic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Post SvS Redux, Post-Episode: Selfishness v. Selflessness, You can read this like Prinxiety if you want, post putting others first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23982007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IShipAllTheSpaceGays/pseuds/IShipAllTheSpaceGays
Summary: This last Sanders Sides episode (5/1/20) was rough on everyone. Roman sunk out pretty suddenly near the end. This is what I think happened after that.
Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729141
Comments: 29
Kudos: 162





	I'm Not Him

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thomas Sanders](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Thomas+Sanders).



> Trigger warnings for a panic attack, take care of yourselves 💕

Roman was losing it. He was losing his grip on his emotions. Laughing at Deceit's name was his last desperate attempt at keeping the walls up. When Deceit went so low as to compare Roman to his evil twin brother, it was all Roman could do not to break down right then and there. He was mortified, and he was sure it showed on his face.

What's worse though- what was ten million times worse- was when Roman looked to Thomas, and then to Patton, for help and they said nothing. Roman could feel the tears burning his eyes, it was hard for him to breathe too, there was something pressing his chest down with an unimaginable weight. He could barely think through the deafening silence and the pain combined.

"You're... really taking his side?"

Nothing. Neither would look at him, and every passing moment felt like another hammer to his heart. He wanted to back against the wall and disappear. He couldn't believe it.. did they really think… did they really agree with that snake? Thomas said he didn't think they were worse off listening to him...he was being deceived, he was giving in. He was in danger. But..Roman was powerless to stop it, and that made his head spin.

And Patton...his sweet Patton whom he loved dearly and had been doing his best to respectfully disagree with throughout this whole episode… even he agreed. They were all siding with _him_.

They all truly think...that Roman is no better than his heinous sibling.

Roman felt dizzy, breathing seemed impossible at the moment and the last of his energy was being spent trying to school his expression as much as possible. He was panicking, spewing out whatever came to mind, desperately trying to get Thomas and Patton to understand. But to no avail...

"Roman. Everything's going to be okay, kiddo… We love you."

The words felt like acid eating away at his shattered heart and Roman fell silent. He couldn't do this anymore. He glared weakly at Patton, it was all he could do to keep himself from crying.

"...Right.." he sunk down, and as soon as he landed in his bedroom, he let go. It felt to him like his entire being was just crumbling apart, falling to the floor into a pile of shattered pieces. He couldn't breathe, and he certainly couldn't stand. He had collapsed right as he rose up into his room. He hadn't even the energy to soundproof or lock his room, and his mind was so far gone that he didn't even think about it.

_"Otherwise, between you and Remus...I wouldn't know who the evil twin is."_

The snake's vile words were amplified in Roman's mind and all he could do was pull at his hair and wail in complete anguish.

_I'm not him...I'm not him, I'm not--_

He choked and gasped, but no air was entering his lungs. He clawed at the collar of his princely uniform, frantic to get air into his burning lungs. There was so much going on in his mind, he couldn't even begin to choose what to focus on. He felt like he was dying, and it felt like all he could do was sit back and watch from afar.

Suddenly, the sound of loud knocking caught his attention, and a muffler voice. He was terrified that it might be Patton, but it was impossible for him to snap his room locked, so he just lay there helplessly gasping for air between sobs. Suddenly, he sensed someone sink into his room, and before he could even panic further, he saw the person kneel down in front of him.

_Black ripped jeans… Virgil.._

"Roman- Roman can you hear me? Nod if you can hear me, Princey." Virgil's voice was slightly panicked, but actually quite collected. Roman would be pleasantly surprised if he wasn't currently dying on the floor. Somehow though, he managed a jerky nod.

"Okay. Okay, Roman you're having a panic attack. I know it feels like you can't breathe, but you can."

Roman shook his head, opening his mouth to speak but all that came out was panicked wheezes and awkward noises.

"Shh, I know, I know. You have to listen to me, Princey, I know what I'm doing. You can breathe, you're doing it right now. If you weren't, you wouldn't be conscious. We're gonna do some breathing exercises, okay? You can do it, listen to me count." His voice was steady and stern, comforting. Roman tried his best to put all of his focus on Virgil.

"Alright, breathe in with me, one, two, three, four, five." Roman tried to follow Virgil's counting and exaggerating breathing, but half way through his breath hitched and he choked and gasped again. It felt like no air was entering his lungs and the panic was crippling. Roman was somehow able to move his arm enough to grab onto the edge of Virgil's hoodie sleeve, desperate for something to ground him. "It's alright Princey, it's okay. Let's try again. Breathe in, one, two, three…"

~~~

It took Virgil about ten minutes to get the Creative side to finally start breathing normally. The tears had stopped falling by this point and Virgil could tell that Roman was completely exhausted and weak. It kind of scared him. Besides Patton, Roman had always been Thomas' most overly happy, positive side. Virgil had never really thought about seeing him genuinely upset. But...he supposed it does make sense that Roman could feel heavy negative emotions.

Virgil had no idea what was going on. He had tuned into the conversation for the new video for the first few minutes, but guiltily lost interest and went back to scrolling on Tumblr. While he was technically still there, as there was quite a lot of anxiety over the situation at hand, he wasn't listening. He knew that he wasn't exactly needed for this particular video, and oddly enough that didn't really make him feel bad. He didn't mind, he knew that Patton and Roman were the ones who Thomas really needed right now and that was just the way it was.

Virgil sensed Logan adding his input every once in a while, but the anxious side knew it was also necessary that Thomas understood certain points from the logical side of things. He also sensed Janus at some point, and suddenly he was glad he wasn't a part of the video. He definitely didn't think he had the mental strength to deal with him right now anyway. He was a little anxious about what the deceitful side was adding to the conversation, but he trusted Patton to keep Thomas's morals in check.

All was relatively well for a while. A long time actually. That is, until Virgil got hit with a truck's weight of anxiety. It was so sudden that it made him fall off of his bean bag chair and hit the floor. He knew it wasn't his own anxiety, if it was he would have felt it build up over time, but this hit him hard and it came from nowhere. He knew it was someone else's.

After checking Thomas' vitals first, Virgil was able to confirm that it wasn't him. He then checked Dee's, and it wasn't him. That left Patton and Roman, unless it was Logan which wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, as he seemed perfectly fine a few moments ago. He checked anyway, and none of the above were in a panic. Well- Patton and Logan weren't. He couldn't find Roman, he was no longer in Thomas' living room, so he must have come back to the mindscape.

With no one else to check on, Virgil left his bedroom and walked down the hall. As he got closer to the fanciful prince's bedroom door, the panic became stronger and stronger. By the time he approached the red and gold accented door, Virgil had no doubt in his mind that Roman was the one panicking.

"Roman?" He called out, knocking. There was no response. Virgil put his ear to the door and gasped when he made out the wheezing sounds. He pulled away from the door and knocked harder, calling Roman's name. Still no response. He debated whether he should enter uninvited or not. He didn't want to intrude on Roman's space without permission..but he needed help..

After a few moments Virgil groaned loudly and knocked again, "I'm coming in, Princey!" He called before sinking in.

When Virgil rose up, the first thing he noticed was that Roman was in the dead center of the room, curled up on his knees, forehead pressed against the golden carpet as he pulled at his hair and gasped. The younger side rushed to the prince and knelt down in front of him, being extra careful not to touch him. He began trying to talk Roman down, and well, you know the rest.

By the time Virgil was able to get Roman to calm down enough to actually speak, the prince was very distraught and looked utterly heartbroken.

"Roman..can I touch you?" Virgil asked softly, his worried gaze locked on the older boy who was trembling furiously. Roman didn't answer, he just tugged on Virgil's sleeve hard enough to be a clear answer. Virgil gently set his hands on Roman's shoulders and sat him upright, looking into his bloodshot eyes. He couldn't look long, his heart felt like it would shatter if he did. He sighed and pulled the prince into his arms, hugging him close.

Roman wrapped his arms around Virgil's waist and rested his forehead in the crook of the edgy side's neck, sniffling every once in a while. They sat in silence for a short time, and Roman felt himself begin to fall apart all over again. The silence hurt his ears and made his skin crawl. Luckily though, Virgil spoke up and eased the terrible feeling,

"So what the hell happened? I checked on everyone else, they seemed fine…"

Roman scoffed bitterly, " _Of course_ they seem fine."

Virgil frowned, feeling confused, "Princey, what-"

"Am I like him…?" Roman blurted out, and Virgil was just beginning to realize how tense the prince was.

Now Virgil was even more confused. _Him? Who the hell was he talking about?_ "Like who?"

Roman pulled back so he could look into Virgil's eyes. "Remus…" he choked out, looking away from Virgil shamefully. "I am like him aren't I? People really see me as a bad person... Like im...evil..? I-" Roman cut himself off, covering his mouth with one hand to try and muffle the heartbroken whimper. It pissed him off how much he was crying. While it was okay for true princes to cry, they needn't be so dramatic; crying won't solve the problem. He was meant to be the hero. Or, he supposed...the villain.

Virgil was taken aback. Roman was really asking if he was like Remus? If Virgil thought he was evil? What the hell? He accidentally ended up staring in shock at Roman for a little too long, and he could see the resignation on the other side's tear stained face. That resignation turned to pure pain suddenly and when Virgil winced and opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a hysterical Roman.

"I-I'm not him! I promise, I'm not evil, I'm not him! Please believe me, I'm not…-" he sobbed, his arms wrapped around himself tightly, head down.

Virgil couldn't hold back anymore, the tears streamed down his cheeks steadily as he watched his close friend crumble before his eyes. Before he could really think anything through, Virgil threw his arms around Roman's neck and pulled him into his chest, holding him tight. Roman eventually hugged back, latching his fingers on the back of Virgil's hoodie.

"I know, Princey. I know. I know you're not Remus." Virgil whispered, running his fingers through Roman's dark ginger hair.

Roman was shaking so hard..Virgil was shocked at how panicked he was over this. He knew that Roman could be insecure at times, and that he had a hard time accepting that not everyone could like him, but this was a new level of insecurity. This might not even be insecurity at all, this looked more like fear. Like Roman was genuinely petrified of being confused for his evil counterpart.

That thought led Virgil to realize that someone had probably said something about the topic that triggered this panic for Roman. Virgil tightened his arms around the other boy, patiently waiting for Roman to stop crying heavily before repeating his previous question,

"Roman, what happened?"

And so, Roman told Virgil what happened. Virgil listened as his friend shakily recounted the events in dramatic detail. The explanation was executed in a very creative way, but it was lacking the normal enthusiasm that Roman’s stories usually held. Over time, Virgil began to realize why. Virgil couldn’t believe that of all people Patton _and_ Thomas _both_ not only sided with Janus but also said nothing when such a harsh insult was thrown the creative side’s way. Everyone knew that Roman was insecure, he never openly admitted it, but it was easy to tell, even the fanders picked up on it fairly quickly.

There was absolutely no way Janus didn’t know how deeply that would cut Roman. Sure it may have been a bit rude of Roman to make fun of his name, especially during such a vulnerable time for the darker side, but that didn’t warrant the overly harsh comeback.

Once he got past the initial shock and anger, Virgil just felt horrible. He knew how this felt. He knew how it felt to have your biggest fears thrown back into your face as if they were nothing. He knew what it was like to spiral in your own head, to get lost in the suffocating fear of being rejected or hated by the ones you love. Betrayed. Obviously, Thomas and Patton didn’t mean to betray Roman, but they did nonetheless, and Roman felt it. He trusted wholeheartedly and he got the rug pulled out from under him and Virgil understood.

After Roman finished telling the story, he was crying pretty heavily again, so Virgil let him calm down. While he was comforting Roman, he sensed Patton rise up into the room. Apparently Roman sensed it too, because Virgil felt him flinch and push closer to Virgil, as if he were trying to hide.

Out of instinct, Virgil glared across the room at the Moral side standing by the door. It was a clear sign to leave them alone. Luckily, Patton got the message and nodded solemnly before sinking back out. Virgil noted after he left that Patton looked very tired. Rightfully so too, this episode was definitely an emotionally heavy one, and from what Virgil could understand, Patton got quite a bit of the heat.

Virgil didn’t mean to glare so harshly at Patton, he wasn’t really that mad at him or anything, he understood for the most part. What Janus said was harsh, yes, but Patton most likely had a lot more on his mind, Thomas too. Of course, that didn’t soften the blow for Roman though.

Virgil sighed and looked down at the mess of curly hair under his chin, “It’s okay, he’s gone. I’ve got you.” The silence was filled with soft sniffles, but nothing else. The anxious side could tell that every time he stopped talking, Roman seemed to get more distressed. It was kind of confusing at first, before Virgil realized what might be going on. “Does the silence hurt?” He asked softly.

Roman flinched lightly, and Virgil knew he was right.

“It’s okay, it’s normal. Have you heard of sensory overload?” Roman nodded, “It’s like that, but with silence instead of sound. It happens to me a lot too, it’s really uncomfortable.” He explained, feeling a little awkward because he wasn’t sure where to go from there.

There was another silence, and Virgil scrambled for something to say, wanting to ease Roman’s discomfort. Before he could say anything, however, Roman spoke in a hushed voice,

“Am I like him, Virgil…? Do I truly resemble my brother so much?”

Virgil sighed and rested his chin on top of Roman’s head, “No, Princey. You’re not like him at all. You’re a really good person, okay? Thomas and Patton think so too, I promise. Hell, I’m sure Janus even knows it. I don’t think he meant what he said, and you and I both know that Thomas and Patton didn’t mean to betray you like that. They love you. We all love you.”

Roman was crying again, but the air didn’t feel as heavy as it had before.

“This episode was really stressful for everyone, Ro. I think you all just need some time to cool down and process things. Everything is going to be okay.” There was silence again, and even though he knew Roman was overstimulated with the silence, he wanted to wait for a response. He felt Roman nod and pull away, and he loosened his hold on the older side.

Roman summoned a handkerchief and wiped his face, sniffling a little still. “Yes...I suppose you’re right.” he sighed, looking at Virgil with a weak, tired smile. “Thank you, my emo nightmare. Your presence is greatly appreciated.”

Virgil just laughed softly, his cheeks growing pink, “Anytime, Ro. What do you need?” Roman frowned in confusion and Virgil scrambled to elaborate, “After someone has a panic attack it varies what they need or want. Some people need contact, others need space. What do you feel like?”

Roman seemed like he understood, and looked away thoughtfully, “Well...I know that I am still being haunted by the wretched silence.” He growled dramatically, which made Virgil laugh. Roman looked back at him, smiling softly. It was his turn to turn pink, “Would you mind...If we continued to hold each other..?”

Virgil smiled a little bigger and nodded, “Yeah- Uh wait, I mean no! No, I don’t mind. Of course I don’t.” he stuttered, blushing harder. Roman laughed and it was such a pretty sound to hit Virgil’s ears. “We can have a Disney marathon if you want.” he suggested softly, looking away in embarrassment. “Do you want to move somewhere more comfortable though? The floor isn’t exactly a good place to cudd- I mean..!” Virgil was just digging himself a deeper hole here, he huffed in frustration.

Roman was clearly feeling better, as he was smirking at Virgil now, “Do you mean cuddle, my dark prince~?”

“Wha-- N-No! Of course not! Don’t get all sappy, Princey, let’s just pick a damn movie.” Virgil stuttered, his face very red as he pushed himself up off the floor and walked over to Roman’s very large collection of Disney movies.

Together the two agreed for The Princess and the Frog to begin their movie marathon. They ended up cuddling- yes, cuddling, but Virgil would never admit that out loud- on Roman’s bed, Virgil laying against the headboard with Roman comfortably leaning on his chest. Even though Roman had calmed down considerably, he was still very emotionally drained, and he needed the comfort. Virgil didn’t mind giving it, not at all. He really loved spending time with the overly dramatic prince. Sure they fought sometimes, but never with malicious intent. They were actually good friends. At least, Virgil would like to think so.

They got through five movies before Virgil was fully asleep and Roman was dangerously close. It was during the rolling credits of The Nightmare Before Christmas that Roman finally allowed himself to close his eyes and relax completely. That he allowed himself to think that maybe Virgil was right.

_Maybe things really would be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> Please please comment ;-; your pal needs validation.
> 
> Also does anyone want to do an angsty roleplay with me? I really want to roleplay 😭 I have a ton of ideas and I'm open to any of yours. I prefer to do a Sanders Side one but I'm also open to other fandoms (within reason). I'm literate. I write a lot. If you want to roleplay with me please be prepared to type at least a paragraph (like 4 sentences) for your replies. Please.. ;-; I'm starting to feel like that's too much to ask because no one ever responds. But pls 😭 I miss roleplaying. We can even make it into a fanfiction/put it on here when it's done if you want, idk. Pls comment if you're interested, I really wanna do one ;-; I have another thing published on this account with my rp ideas and such so go check that out if you're interested.


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